Assertiveness is often mistaken for arrogance. Especially in cultures where direct communication may even come across as aggressiveness or unnecessary confrontation. However, being assertive actually relates to the ability to express in a clear and direct manner your thoughts, beliefs or emotions, without being aggressive or destructive. Having this skill can prove not only necessary to communicate effectively with those around you (at home and at work), but it is also essential in your ability to recognize your worth and respect your own boundaries.

I’ve had a few clients struggling with this particular skill, whether because they did not want to draw attention to themselves and appear confrontational, or because the mere idea of speaking up was giving them anxiety. The problem is that when you struggle to share your opinions and feelings, or when you avoid standing up for what you believe in, chances are that people won’t respect you or recognize your worth. I mean, why would they if you don’t recognize and express it yourself?

Assertiveness, Self-Control and Empowerment

Do you want to receive more recognition at work? Are you longing for people to respect your boundaries and treat you with more respect? It first starts with understanding what YOU can do and what is within YOUR control to impact these outcomes. Start by asking yourself if your accomplishments, your thoughts or your wishes are well known by those around you. Let’s take your workplace for example. Does your supervisor or your manager have clarity on what you want (your objectives, your career path, your limits, etc.)? Do they know current challenges you may be facing and what you are able (and not able) to take on? 

While you may not be in control of how people choose to perceive you or how they will react, you are in control of what and how you decide to communicate. And assertiveness really is about control: 

-       Control in recognizing your limits and how to respect them.

-       Control in deciding what you want to share with clarity and purpose.

-       Control in managing your emotional impulses and how to react to something that may annoy you or go against your beliefs. 

-       Control in how you choose to respond with empathy and with resolve to a stressful situation or to a confrontational/ difficult/negative person. 

Some key benefits of being more assertive at work (and at home too!)

-       More honest and authentic conversations with those around you

-       Respect and acceptance on both sides of the conversation

-       Increased self-confidence and knowledge of your worthiness

Build your assertiveness with these 3 simple steps

There are a few exercises you can do to practice your assertiveness daily. They all start with increasing your self-awareness. First, you need to be clear in your own mind about what you want in order to be able to express your wishes or your needs in an adequate manner. Ask yourself: “What do I want (for myself, from a situation, an outcome, etc.)? What are important and non-negotiable values for me?

Once you’re clear about what you want and how you want to express it to others, here are 3 simple steps to build your assertiveness:

STEP 1 - OBSERVATION AND SELF AWARENESS

In the next two weeks, practice active self-awareness by recognizing situations when you behave 1) assertively; 2) passively; 3) aggressively.

For each of these situations, identify the “self-talk” that you used. What did you tell yourself that caused you to act this way or to hold back?

STEP 2 - DEVELOP COUNTER SELF TALK

Once you have more self-awareness on the self-talk that you use, you need to develop a counter self talk. Imagine that you are talking with a “best friend”’s tone to yourself as you formulate counter points to what may be holding you back from being more assertive. Offer counter arguments for each of these mental blocks and personal limitations. Write them down/ Journal about them if necessary.

STEP 3 - PRACTICE ASSERTIVENESS ON A DAILY BASIS + REFLECT ON ITS POSITIVE IMPACT

Once you know how to counter that self-talk, try to push yourself to behave assertively in situations where you usually do not and see what happens. When you practice assertiveness on a daily basis, take time to appreciate and note the impact that this shift in your behavior has created. What ripple effects does it have on people around you? What opportunities have become possible then? What new relationships are you building?

And as always, don’t hesitate to share your wins and accomplishments with those around you and with your coach! Acknowledging and sharing your efforts to expand this skill will increase your sense of commitment and will hold you accountable to keep doing this inner work!